Discovering BDSM, One Young Man’s Discovery
I have a lot of favorite things as a sexuality educator. One is when I can help folks through education and guidance to explore things that interest them and empower them to examine if it’s something for them…or not.
Back when I was a professor, I gave my students short writing assignments as an option for extra credit at the end of the semester. They had 3 different choices they could write about. One choice was to attend a workshop or lecture related to the field of sexuality and write a summary/review. This student went above and beyond. After learning a little about it in class, he tried something new for the first time.
I was so excited after reading what he wrote. I figured more folks might benefit from reading a first hand account of their experience trying a little bit of bdsm. After classes ended, I asked him if I could share this with people who read my blog. I’m glad he said yes. (I’ve edited it for length).
My First BDSM Experience
Truth be told, I have always been attracted to the idea of BDSM. It was not only the power exchanging activities that seemed exciting, but the notion that people would choose to experiment with fear and uncertainty; to give up control as easily as flicking on a light switch. I’ve envied those people who were able to explore a more cerebral form of sexual expression that for me, was always slightly out of reach. Of course, now I realize these restrictions were completely self-imposed, as I both consciously and subconsciously chose not to pursue any serious thoughts regarding learning or exploring this topic.
For far too long, negative stereotypes surrounding the BDSM community, were my excuse to not engage and figure out for myself if it was something I wanted to be involved in. Of course, logically I knew better. I understood that a person’s sexuality is on a spectrum. I knew I should be exploring to find a more fulfilling form of sexual expression, as I was not as satisfied as I knew I could be. I wanted something more than just satisfying a biologically driven urge.
Taking this class has definitely been the catalyst to helping me to further educate myself by taking a closer look at the complexity and diversity of human sexual behaviors; to understand that sexual expression is not only as numerous as the many cultures that experience it; but are normal and necessary, even if not socially acceptable in many cases. And that knowledge has allowed me to at least open the door to new sexual experiences that, due to my upbringing had previously been an obstacle.
Trying to figure out where to start was a bit daunting. For better or for worse, the internet has an abundance of information out there; but what is the best for a beginner like me? Most of the information I viewed was geared toward either men or women paying for experiences with Dominatrixes or couples learning to experience together. I decided that I need to get a clearer picture of what I was looking for. I wrote down the types of experiences that I would like to have and what I would like to learn. After a while, I had a clearer picture of what specific role I was interested in playing, and I now knew what to look for.
And by what I mean by looking, I meant porn. I am not the biggest fan mainstream porn because I prefer a little realism. However, I have come across a few films that I considered useful: Kink School: Safe, Sane Consensual Sex. Directed by Mistress D. Severe, Severe Sex Films, 22 Dec 2014.
Another is Whipsmart. A Good Vibrations Guide to Beginning S/M for Couples Directed by Laura Plotkin, Sexpositive Productions, 4 Aug 2002. Realistic and relatable these were not only educational but made me feel better about watching porn. The same can be said about online educational tutorials. Luckily, I came across a great resource “Free Videos” Kinkacademy.comKali, Princess. Kink Academy 2018. In depth educational videos and resources covering virtually every topic and skill level.
Now that I had accumulated some basic knowledge, I had to muster up the nerve to attend a real class. Initially I picked a class that was designed around rough sex. I was really apprehensive, as I assumed there would only be couples and I would be the odd one out.
Fortunately for me, my professor recommended that I attend a different workshop entitled ‘BDSM Basics’ would be my first foray into taking a ‘kink’ specific class.
The class was sponsored by the Society of Janus. Based in San Francisco, they offer several events, programs and workshops for their members as well as the general public. The shining point was the opportunity to be in a setting with other beginners; in an environment that was comfortable and nurturing.
The classes primary goals were to teach some basic skills crucial to the scene, but with an emphasis on safety and technique. But what I found most attractive was that classes were taught with a sense of playfulness. It was a wonderful first experience.
Overall, I had an excellent time. While I was initially apprehensive about attending this event as a single male, I did meet a few people who totally understood where I was coming from, and tried to make me feel comfortable. I thought so highly of the experience that I joined Society of Janus on the spot. Now I have a better understanding what my interests are, and have a supportive system that provides me with the education and freedom to express and explore and all the while playing safe.
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A few things impressed me about this; he took time to research what he might be interested in, selected some educational media to supplement what we discussed in class, and then found a group to learn from at his own speed. He also took the time to unpack his own misinformation and false impressions. THAT is half of the battle in human sexuality; figuring out why we think the way we do and then asking ourselves if those thoughts still serve us.
I’m so happy this student found a group that he felt could be a new family. And I’m happy to have been a part of this enlightenment. Belonging is such a powerful and wonderful thing.
xxoo
Lanae
Originally published at https://www.themamasutra.net on October 9, 2019.
